Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Red and Black Week: I actually get to participate this year!

I'm studying abroad in Barcelona this summer for a month and so I didn't think I would be participating in this awesome event (the reason for which my blog exists lol) because I hadn't packed much red and black. I was very happy to discover after seeing my reflection in the metro door this morning that that's exactly what I'm wearing heheheh this outfit is so commonly worn because its super comfortable and looks awesome that I didn't even process its colors XD

Unfortunately there really isn't any suitable place to place my camera on to take full body shots and so i had to resort to the mirror (hey look my camera matches too!)

I fooled around a bit trying to get more pictures and failed miserably until this last "OK I will attempt one more and that's it.... omg this is awesome!" moment. I love how this one turn out and literally all I did to both of them was color correction and color balance no makeup touch ups or typical photoshopping things

Yes my hair is dark red (and no Ms. Kitty says that's not cheating). The pants I bought at Costco believe it or not and it was my first foray into colored pants. I took a chance and now they're a wardrobe staple, I actually want to get some dark purple and green ones now too. The boots are my years old, resewn, resoled, rezippered and much loved harleys that I will wear until they fall apart. The sweater was boght for a discount this last winter at Kmart while I was working there. The (barely visible gray) shirt was a Christmas present from my sister and both my necklaces are presents as well; the choker is a half heart best friend mood locket from my you guessed it best friend and the long one is a videogame reference given to me by my wonderful boyfriend a week before I left for Barcelona. 

I really love the huge anime eyes in the picture totally not on purpose but awesome nonetheless.

Well I'm off to see what other things I can maybe dig up for red and black week


Monday, March 4, 2013

The Fourth: Danny


This post will be different from the others in that I literally just wrote what I felt after months of not being able to.

I’m stuck in a kind of limbo. I'm not completely over Danny and yet I know it’s for the best. As I’ve said a lot these past few days my heart has caught up to my mind finally. Or so I thought. He has been absent from my dreams for the most part and his name echoes in my brain without really carrying any weight. With all my exes with the exception of Alex that’s the sign of being done. Alex of course being the exception only because of the damage he had wrought and getting away from him was like breathing pure air for the first time in years, literal years.

Daniel on the other hand... my thoughts of him have been reduced to the faint echoing of his name and the dried up remains of the fluttering in my heart it used to cause. If he makes an appearance in my head nowadays its in the form of "revenge fantasies" of him seeing that I'm as fine and as recovered as he was from the very beginning. He didn’t help my self-esteem issues on that account although I understand his motivations and they aren’t hurtful as the others were. I still have a tremendous amount of resect admiration and pure affection for him but they are also now mixed with a deeper understanding and a heaping helping of sadness and pity for him.

He is broken, she broke him; she and his parents’ divorce cracked and maybe even shattered his core. I was just one in what I suspect will be a long line of girls to be ensnared by the essential goodness that is found in him but rebuffed and pushed away by his never ending quest for complete control and his philosophy that emotions aren’t worth the pain.

I can understand him on that part there have been and still are many moments where I wished for numbness and total disconnection of the logical emotionless mind from the basest instincts of emotion and pain. The difference of course being that I got over those episodes and realized how unhealthy and inhuman being totally disconnected would make me. Maybe it’s just because I’m a deeply emotional creature and a girl to boot.

I could go on for pages describing him and the discoveries I’ve made about him and how he made me feel but every time I try I can’t. Some things are just too precious to let out of my heart and brain and onto paper. 

As I said I believe I am over him. I'm fully aware that we wouldn’t work and that if we were together it would only mean more pain for me. Do I still find him and anyone that remotely looks like him or reminds me of him attractive? You bet your ass. Its unavoidable, I like boys with talent and control and considering he can kick quite a few people’s asses seven ways from Sunday its kind of hard not to be attracted to him.

I thought I was fine with the possibility of seeing him again and I’m sure that if the occasion did arise I would be able to pull it off fine and that a layer of protective scar tissue would form really quickly over my heart if it did. so tell me why it is that when I found out that my friends including my newly minted fwb were all hanging out together with him and said fwb didn’t tell me probably out of not wanting to provoke this exact reaction I got a surge of adrenaline and my fight or flight instinct kicked in full force never mind the fact that I was miles way and in a different country.

My point in writing this was to get it out of my mind and heart and it worked. I am in  limbo in which my mind and my heart (mostly... it’s like a step behind) are ok and over him but my base instincts still trigger the fight or flight instinct when I see him or think of him in a situation in which I conceivably might see him. I appreciate Jorge not telling me he was there in the sense that he either didn’t think to say it (very unlikely) or decided not to tell me unless I asked just in case I wasn’t ok with Danny being there. It still hurt though... Well I guess that’s it for now...

 We were messing around making fun of the fact that he had been the judge of a martial arts tournament the day before. Hence he was giving me his best judging face, long story short I was deemed worthy hehehe

This picture was actually taken before the previous one and the story is simply that during his vacation to hawaii (lucky bastard) he had let his beard grow out and wore that hat and his ever present green khakis the whole time and they started calling him Fidel Castro except he didn't have the glasses. I gifted them to him as a surprise when he got back.


Wednesday, January 9, 2013

The Third: Alex


 This was my longest relationship and lasted 2 ½ years. He helped me get over Mitch and we originally started dating as just a good time and a physical relationship until it turned into more. We were happy for about half the time we were together and then things started going south.  This description may sound like an ex- girlfriend talking shit about her ex – boyfriend but I promise I’m actually just stating facts or things that I believe and that are held to be generally true. I don’t like talking shit about other people, I try not to actually, and I don’t want to be “that” girl. 

  •  He was the first guy I seriously dated who was older than I, a good step in the right direction in retrospect :)

  • I am much smarter than him, and as a consequence of this I had to constantly "dumb myself down" to be able to fit into his life. The loss of my habit of writing and voraciously reading whatever I could were also because of this.

  • I was good for him, I taught him to dress better, helped him with his ADHD, taught him to cook a few things although I’m sure he doesn’t, I made him happy, helped him be less of an ass in public, I introduced him to many people that were also a good influence on him

  • I settled for him and he knew it, he even said so once.

  •  He helped me get over my ex, brought me back form the edge of anorexia (of course that came with a big weight gain), helped me get out of the toxic environment of my sister’s house, introduced me to tabletop gaming, helped me with rides to and from school when I had no money

  • He became the complete center of my life and because of this he could get away with anything, my only interest was to make him happy and I neglected myself as a result. 

  • None of my friends or family liked him or understood our relationship

  • After things went downhill our relationship became an abusive one, although of course he and his family would say I was the abuser because I’m one of those girls who likes to play rough.

  • He was neglectful, selfish, domineering, manipulative and condescending with a terrible temper that seriously made me fear actual physical violence more than once.

  •  In the back of my mind these facts were always blaring at me but I always pushed them to the back of my mind, ignoring them.  The main reason I never broke up with him was out of fear:  fear of never finding someone who would want to be with me other than him, fear of losing the intimacy formed over the long period of time we were together and fear of failing again of “ruining” another relationship. There was also the matter of pride, I was out to prove my family and friends wrong, prove to the world and myself mostly that there was in fact someone out there willing to stay with me and “love” me, prove that despite all their misgivings we were good for each other.
  • I was wrong, they were right.
  • The effort of resisting all my inner misgivings and those of the people round me as well as changing myself to be his total servant to “make him happy” was finally too much and I broke. I completely lost myself, my sense of self and my identity. I felt into the deepest depression of my life, a dark place where suicide looked increasingly like the solution to all my problems.  I lived under a constant dark cloud, I only roused myself to go to school because I had too and to see him also because I felt like I had too. I gained even MORE weight due to my depression and  our constant diet of pizza and fast food.

  • By the end of our relationship even my closest friends didn’t recognize me. This is also because I pushed everyone away, isolating myself with the cause of my issues.

  •  He broke up with me, stating that my depression was something he couldn’t handle and that he had tried everything to help ( everything apparently consists of telling me I needed to get help two or three times), that I wasn’t the girl he had fallen in love with (maybe because I had changed myself to fit his lifestyle and demands?)

  •  I got over him surprisingly quickly, once released from the bonds I was too afraid to break myself much of my former self and vigor came back. Within the week I was glad we were FINALLY done and even grateful to him for doing what I couldn’t.
  •  About a week and a half after we broke up he called me crying saying he wanted me back and that he had made the biggest mistake of his life. I almost fell for this and agreed to meet with him to talk, much to my mother’s chagrin.  The night before we were to meet I had to text him at eleven o’clock at night to see about arrangements. When I asked if he still wanted to meet his response was “umm sure” does that sound like someone sincerely regretting having lost someone and desirous of getting them back? Yeah I didn’t think so either and finally told him we were better off apart and that we had gotten what we could out of the relationship. I was still trying to protect him and soften his pain despite the damage he had done to me.
  •  I effectively cut the last tie, put the last nail in the coffin or however you want to say it. His response was “ok I hope you have a good life”  he was really missing me huh? Yeah… not
  • I am better off without him. He lost most of his friends and contacts, and recently lost his job.
  •  He lost his friends because the real reason for braking  up with me was that as I was caught up in my crippling depression I was unable to satisfy him physically or be his perfect little subservient girlfriend when I could barely get myself to eat or get out of bed. He found someone else, he cheated on me with the girlfriend of one of his friends. I found this out illicitly after the fact when my best friend told me in spite of her being asked not to so as to not hurt me. I am grateful to her for that
  •   He lost his job because someone at his work found at that after breaking up with me and me subsequently rejecting him he started “dating” and by dating I mean sleeping with a 17 year old, he’s 26 and according to my friend who told me this he is also interested in a 14 year old *shudder* yeah I’m glad I’m away from that. 

This was done in list form because it just felt easier. As I said these things are more recent and as such still relatively fresh. I had memories and feelings stampeding through my mind and a list was just easier to do than to write out a condensed version as I was able to do with the first two.

I was 21 and he 22 here. This is from my personal collection. I still have these pictures as part of my steampunk collection and lets face it I look hot here lol
Until Next Time

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

The Second: Mitch


 I’m not very good with time keeping (dreadful actually) so I cannot accurately tell you how long it was between my first and second relationship but my estimate is around 6 – 7 months.  I still remember clearly the day I met Mitch and the day he asked me out as well as a handful of other good memories.   

In theory he was my dream boy, I tend to be attracted tall white skinny nerdy boys with long hair being a plus. Every girl has her dream proposal (as in having a guy ask them out) and mine was a cute nerdy boy hesitating and just being plain adorable and he fit that to a tee. Naturally I was head over feet for the short time we were together. Now sex is not a topic I plan to talk about much on this blog but I will mention that the chemistry between us was potent to say the least and we were the couple you felt embarrassed about seeing in public, I’m embarrassed about it now but at the time I simply did not care. 

He realized way before I did that other than this one connection we were wildly incompatible and broke it off aided by (I suspect) pressure from his friends. I say suspect because I never really got a straight answer or reason and have since come up with the best explanation I can fathom. 

As far as impact on my life goes, he was able to awake a sexuality in me that I didn't know existed (I had slept with Enrique but it was nothing compared to the chemistry between Mitch and I) and proved to me that there are boys out there like the one in my head. It was the time in my life when I for the first time in my life found people like me with the same interests and likes who didn't view me as some weirdo who didn't belong. 

He is now a “socialist” (as he calls himself) college dropout hipster type who lives in a commune and who is basically a follower to the more dominant personalities in his group of friends. Yeah totally not my scene.

I was 19 and he 18 here. Also from my tagged pictures on Facebook. Theres a few of these but this is my favorite, he is wearing my sunglasses and his actual glasses over them and I apparently found it hilarious

Until Next Time

PS Just realized he was also the first person I met that was as white as I who wasn't family

Monday, January 7, 2013

The First: Enrique


 He was my first boyfriend and the first guy to ever really pay attention to me in a romantic way and show it openly.  I had just “blossomed” and was at the time in the best shape and looks I’ve ever been (except for the really yellow teeth yeesh) and was possessed with a crippling self-esteem product of both the existence of a heavy case of co-dependence and emotional detachment in my family and the fact that I grew up as a white girl in Mexico, the consummate outsider, the white child in a sea of brown. He boosted my self-esteem and helped me get on my feet before trying to make me into the girl he wanted me to be with pretty florals and pink dresses and (in fact as evidenced by the name of this blog I’m much more of the darker type than stereotypically girly). Long story short I did my best to change myself to him and he became much of the focus of my life. I was also just starting college and getting my first taste of independence; I missed most of my classes and hung out with him instead most of the time. In the end he ended up cheating on me three different times with three different girls (a fact that only came to my attention much much later) before finally breaking up with me.

I was 17 and he ws 16 in this picture.  This is a cutout of a picture the guy below me tagged me in on Facebook which is the only reason I was able to find a pic of us together

 Until next time

Sunday, January 6, 2013

New year's resolution and first post stemming from it

I've been trying to get back into the habit of writing every day and I've gotten some pretty awesome ideas and then I haven’t capitalized on these ideas and heeded my inspiration. This is mostly due to the fact that they normally come at a time when I’m supposed to be sleeping or trying to; but it’s also because I’m lazy and due to my struggle with depression I have a lot of trouble with getting myself going and energized. No matter the inspiration my apathy and lack of drive tend to come out the victors. Now I'm making a conscious effort as my new year’s resolution to write more and anything from here on forward is whatever develops in my head. 

I used to write every day, have pages and pages of scribbled notes and story snippets. My head was always full to bursting with characters and stories and new worlds. Life got to me; I became concerned with society and friends and most importantly BOYfriends. This is cliché but ever since I became more sentient and started thinking about myself and who I am I’ve always felt a void in my life. This incompleteness and unbalance was always there no matter how happy or successful I was in my daily life. 

Balance that if a key word in my life. I'm not entirely sure I believe in astrology and all that predicting your future thing but I cannot deny that I identify extremely scarily well with my given sign: Gemini. I was born right smack dab in the middle of the Gemini cycle; seriously I'm one day from the exact middle, pretty damn close if you ask me.  Gemini is one of the four dual signs in the zodiac (Gemini, Pisces, Sagittarius and Virgo). Now this duality means different things to different people and for me it means the search for balance. I often feel lost, out of touch, aimless, like my feet aren't touching the ground and it is very scary. Because of this I have the very intense need for a force that would counteract this flightiness in my nature. 

My need for this crucial balance has manifested itself in many ways over the years. For example: In middle school through my early college years I wore a lot of bracelets and I always had the darker colored ones on one wrist and the lighter ones on the other, my favorite color is purple (a perfect mix of blue and red, warm and cool), My favorite numbers are always multiples of two (except for 9 but that in itself is another duality seeing as my absolute favorite number 6 is pictorially speaking the opposite of 9; a mirror image). My duality is also expressed in less balanced ways like in the way my hair length has alternated from long to short abruptly and back again several times over these past years and how my room is either obsessively clean or grossly cluttered. You know the term cleanliness is next to Godliness? Well in my case balance would be my God, my ultimate goal. It is only in the last 8-10 months that I have become aware of all these things, before they were just unconscious, things that just felt good or right. 

You may ask yourself why I went on a tangent about balance when I was talking about boyfriends; remember that void I mentioned earlier? Because of my recent exploration of self I have been able to determine that the void represents an imbalance. I've been in the words of a favorite singer/songwriter of mine "looking in another place for what you don't find in yourself" (Es buscar en otra parte lo que no encuentras en ti) heh come to think about it the song talks about love being a dual thing as well *sigh*

I’ve had 4 boyfriends who I consider actual boyfriends (there  few other guys I dated but who didn’t have much of an impact on my life and to whom I felt little to no connection.) Since I seems to pouring myself into these pages and describing myself and my feelings to God knows who I guess I will go on to describe them and who they were to me and my life. The first two will be comparably brief because of the fact that they were both a long time ago and also had less of an impact than the last two.  I originally tried to fit this all into one huge enormous gigantic post but it is waay too long; so  instead it will be broken up into four posts describing them. Stay tuned I guess?


Sunday, June 24, 2012

I dont even know why I'm doing this

I don't feel OK. I haven't felt good in a long time, its like I'm enveloped in this deep dark blackness that wont go way. I enjoy things once in a while but these glimpses of normalness, even happiness maybe, are just that, glimpses; fleeting and gone before I know it. I hate my body, my room, my friends, my family, myself, everything!

I had a good productive day today. Got up early ( by my standards) bathed the dogs did laundry, fixed Benji's bed (which he didn't even like and refused to lay on unless I physically put him in it, and then he would look at me as if I punished him) and had time for myself and my internet wanderings. I joined tumblr and found a bunch of amazing photos and followed the steam powered giraffe boys a while. Rabbit is so inspirational she accepts herself and is so strong, it makes me feel even more hollow because I cant even deal with things that are insignificant compared to what she has gone through. Saw some pretty pictures that made me smile but then I realized I will never look anywhere near as awesome as these girls look nor will I have the things I so admire and want.

I feel trapped and lonely, my family is content with having their own things to do and my friends all have lives and concerns of their own that don't fit me in in any way. I feel like I cant tell anyone about this because I feel like they don't want to hear it, at best because it will make them sad and they don't want to be sad  (I also don't tell them because I dont want to make them sad) and at worst because they simply don't care.

 I am my own worst enemy, I know I should get up and walk and do things to take my mind away. I should probably be on some kind of medication to make me more "normal" walk to get rid of the weight I hate, get back into my art even though I know I'm not good enough to ever amount to anything. Put in the effort to contact my friends even though I know they wont respond or that at least it will take hours of me agonizing by my phone and social networks checking them every two minutes even though I know the replies I want aren't there.

I feel like I've chased everyone off and the ones I " haven't" dont really care enough to realize that I'm in so much pain, or is it just that I'm such a good little actress? or that I've established this routine that me being antisocial and alone all the time has become my pattern and considered normal? Have I pushed everyone I so desperately need so far away that they think its what I want? those last two are probably right, I know it

I hate them sometimes, its normal for me to go days, weeks even without a friendly word or even a hello from my so called friends. And then again I hate myself more because when they do talk to me I tend to let my resentment get the better of me and reply sparsely and flippantly as if I never needed them in the first place which of course I do.  I hate how afraid I am of everything, i never tell anyone how I really feel because I'm scared that I will scare them off, that they will realize just how much I really am weird and fucked up and not worthy of their attention, time or love.

I cry myself to sleep most nights, but no-one would know it, I've gotten good at hiding my sobs and burying them in my pillow. The only witnesses are Benji and buddy. Benji doesn't understand why I'm crying and most of the time just sleeps right through it ( dogs! I hate him for it too sometimes, hes supposed to be my best friend and connect with me when no-one else does) and buddy is a stuffed animal. Sometimes I feel like he is my only true friend. How fucked up and pathetic is that? that I feel my only true friend is a fucking stuffed animal?

And then I go back to hating myself. I mean really what am I but a whiny kid? my life isn't that bad really. I have no responsibilities and no expectations ( well at the moment because its summer) my family doesn't mess with my life or complain about me, although really what is there to complain about? I stay in my room all day and dont make waves of any sort. I have no life for them to disprove of.

I have no idea who I'm writing this too or even why I'm doing it. Probably just so I can get these feelings out somewhere so that they dont bubble up inside and make me scream. Screaming would not be good I would wake my parents and be forced to lie about how I freaked out about a bug or something, it would probably work too and if it didn't it would be worse because my mom would see me cry and I would make her sadder than she already is.

I think I'll try to sleep now and drift away to the best place in my life, the darkness and nothingness of sleep. When your asleep, no one asks you to do anything. No one expects anything of you. And you dont have to face any of your troubles.

I dont know what I'm gonna do with this thing I've written, I should probably post it somewhere, so that maybe on an off-chance someone will read it and see all these things I can never say out loud. I will, even just to prove to myself what I already know, that nothing will happen. But maybe...

Its probably better if I just delete it and forget it ever existed

Funny Things to Ponder